BEYOND THE IMPLODE 3 - BRITISH AIRWAYS 0

Talking 'bout, er, clash, this reminds me - why does everyone hate "Cut the Crap" so much? I think it's a really fun album, and much better than 80% of "Sandinista!" and "Give 'Em Enough Rope". Take Joe Strummer going mad and issuing nutso communique's urging kids to get out on the streets and riot, weld that to a drum machine and some seriously cheap and dated synthesizer, and what sounds like an army of beered-up blokes yelling the song title in each chorus, and you've got a porky prime cut of trash rock. The first track "Dictator" sounds like the opening credits to some godawful 80s Rambo-esque action movie and the record gets better from there. Some of the lyrics are so gauche even Billy Idol wouldn't touch them - needless to say, it's a hoot hearing Strummer sneer I'm gonna be a dirty punk / While my brother dresses clean / He used to be the local hunk / Now the girls all ride in my machine....seriously. Also, it's great that they waited til the 'classic' line-up had dissolved before recording the hysterical "We Are The Clash", as if they were just starting out....

I suppose "This is England" is respectable enough, and probably the only track off the LP most Clash fans will admit to liking, but it seems nobody could get into the hyperactive, synth-heavy jumparound of "Are You Red...Y?". Well, MOJO hacks are wrong, this is well worth checking out (admittedly, you probably don't want to spend TOO much money / time on tracking down a copy - 1p on eBay's about right). But "Cut the Crap" is an ingenious slice of underground punk history, guaranteed to blow away those dark clouds as effectively as it blew away the group's reputation (at the time - their legacy remains untouched purely cos this black sheep of an album's been airbrushed from their history). You'll either weep or cackle your brains out....

John Eden (UNCARVED) and Paul Meme (SHARDS) are having a soundclash, to establish who's the better DJ. Fancy that! I got a call from Eden recently, begging me to lend him my copy of the class-A grimoire How To Be A Disc Jockey by David See - he's obviously taking this one seriously. However, I loathe cheats, so I refused.

At the same time, both John and Paul have apparently been charging sigils in advance of the contest! Boys, boys - when will you learn, WITCHCRAFT KILLS? But no, don't heed me, I'm probably some sort of 'square' just because I don't want to end up gibbering in a psychiatric unit, mind and body destroyed by the effects of playing with magic for kicks! No, that's right, you go ahead.

Ignore me. Ignore Susan, 20, who sigilised for her boyfriend to take her out for a meal in the West End, instead of staying at home with a Chinese and a DVD. Susan got her big night out - she also got possessed by Pan, and is currently strapped to a rubber mattress with barely qualified brain surgeons wiggling blunt scalpels around in her cerebrum.

Ignore Gulam, 23. This young man had a bright, promising future as a trainee lawyer. Unfortunately, he was also gullible -he trusted his friends when they told him "everyone's casting sigils", "magic is cool". I suppose it was really "cool" when his parents were informed that their gifted, talented son had ended up running around Victoria Station naked, smeared in excrement, glue and feathers, declaring himself to be the Birdman of Burnt Oak Broadway!

Ignore that 'old man' in the rocking chair. He looks 90 - but he's actually 15. Just one sigil for a place on his school's football team was all it took. He won't even be getting a place on the local bowls team now!

Ignore Kim, 22. She was a wild at heart artist. She had a thirst for excess. She wanted to test the limits of human experience. She cast a sigil to make a splash for herself in the Shoreditch art scene - the firemen who arrived on the scene couldn't work out how she'd managed to get her entire body into the sandwich toaster.

Ignore Miko - what a cunt! Who's buying his fucking records? Estate agents? Is it YOU? ARE YOU ONE OF THEM?

Anyway, who's going to win this clash? Eden or Meme? I emailed reggae writer DAVE STELFOX to get his opinion. He generously replied, and his verdict appears below.



Dave Stelfox, left.

JOHN EDEN - Standing at 6 ft 7, and with a pedigree of mixes to his name, John Eden is a man feared and respected by the online soundclash community.

An avowed Satanist, John's previous mix stats stand as follows: M-17 / T-22 (no drop) / S-28, and he has a crossfader handicap of 16.

However, John has been troubled by RSI of late, and it will be interesting to see whether his wrists can take the pace. He'll certainly need them if he's to flick between the LOW CUT switch on Channel 1 and the MID CUT on Channel 2. I once saw David Rodigan DJ with a sprained wrist, and he found it easier to switch Channel 2 to Channel 3. Perhaps John will adopt this tactic.

Overall, I think he has a fair chance if he leaves the Culture Club singles alone and gets a lot of practice in. Perhaps his daughter could provide a 'helping hand'. I would give him odds of THREE TO ONE.

PAUL MEME

Paul Meme came to prominence at the 1988 Frinton-on-Sea Northern Soul Weekender Amateur DJ contest, where he came a relatively impressive third. Encouraged by the kind words of the other two competitors, he has gone on to create a series of online mixes, including 'Brixton Bass Pressure', copies of which I believe he should have sent to the person who 'writes' Beyond the Implode blog.

Paul has a crossfader handicap of 9 - interestingly, this is only a point lower than his 2004 rating. His previous mix stats are M-20 / T-20 (MIDI advantage) / S-23.

A controversial figure, Paul has the potential to win this clash. However, he is prone to fits of violent rage, and there's the distinct possibility that in the run-up to creating his mix, should he 'lose the plot' if someone rattles their shopping basket against his in Waitrose, this could severely affect his performance, and lead to what Penny Reel once labelled "a pile of shit" as a mix. I give him odds of TWO TO ONE.

Well, cheers Dave. I would continue this post but I've decided to go and have a fag instead. See yers////

DID YOU KNOW - on Valentine's Day, 'waiter-wanking-in-your-lamb-madras' frequency increases by over 30% in UK Indian restaurants? It's true!